Disclaimer: This article is for educational purposes only and does not replace professional therapy. If you are facing ongoing conflict or contempt in your marriage, seek help from a licensed couples therapist or retreat program.
Every couple argues. It’s a regular part of being human and sharing a life with someone. However, it’s not the argument itself that threatens a marriage; it’s how couples argue. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman identifies four specific communication patterns that are so harmful they can predict divorce with surprising accuracy. He refers to them as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, highlighting how destructive they can become if not addressed. Among these four patterns, contempt is the most dangerous. Contempt in marriage isn’t just a bad habit or a moment of anger. It’s a deep, harmful behavior that undermines love, trust, and emotional safety. If it goes unchecked, it slowly damages the very foundation of the relationship. This article will help you understand what contempt truly is, why Gottman calls it “sulfuric acid for love,” and what steps you can take to stop it before it destroys your marriage. More importantly, it will show you how couples can heal and rebuild respect, even after contempt has taken root.
Gottman’s Four Horsemen: Why They Matter
- Criticism:
- Defensiveness:
- Stonewalling:
- Contempt:
- Recognize and name harmful communication habits, including contempt.
- Rebuild emotional safety and mutual respect.
- Learn practical, compassionate ways to reconnect and communicate.
- Replace defensiveness, criticism, and sarcasm with understanding and empathy.
- What is contempt in marriage?
Contempt in marriage is a way of communicating that shows disgust, disrespect, or a sense of superiority toward your partner. It goes beyond simple frustration or anger. It sends a message of “I’m better than you” through words, facial expressions, or tone. Gottman views contempt as especially harmful because it undermines your partner’s self-worth and emotional safety. Signs of contempt include eye-rolling, mocking, sneering, or using sarcasm to humiliate. Over time, this behavior erodes trust, weakens intimacy, and creates a toxic emotional environment. Recognizing contempt early is crucial to stopping it from ruining your relationship. - What are some examples of contempt in marriage?
Examples of contempt in marriage include sarcastic remarks, mocking tones, and nonverbal actions like sneering or rolling your eyes. A partner might say, “Wow, you’re so smart,” with a tone that insults instead of praises. Correcting your partner in public to make them feel less than is another form of contempt. Even dramatic sighs or scoffs during a conversation can show disdain. These minor but repeated actions build up over time, leading to resentment and emotional distance. While contempt may seem casual, its effects are anything but. It can cause your partner to feel belittled, dismissed, and unsafe. - How does Gottman define contempt?
Gottman defines contempt as the most harmful communication pattern in a relationship. It is worse than criticism or defensiveness because it implies moral or intellectual superiority. When one partner sees themselves as “better” than the other, it damages the emotional connection. Gottman’s research shows that contempt is a stronger predictor of divorce than any other behavior. This issue isn’t limited to harsh words; even nonverbal signals like eye-rolling indicate profound disrespect. Unlike criticism, which may focus on behavior, contempt goes after the person, making it much more damaging. Tackling this behavior is essential for rebuilding emotional trust and intimacy. - Can couples fix contempt once it’s already a problem?
Yes, couples can address contempt, but it takes commitment, patience, and often professional help. The first step is recognizing that contempt is present. Many couples dismiss sarcasm or eye-rolling as “just our way of talking,” but this behavior harms emotional safety. Replacing contempt with sincere appreciation, empathy, and calm communication can gradually restore trust. It’s also important to look at the underlying issues causing contempt, such as unresolved resentment or power struggles. Working with a Gottman-trained therapist or attending a couples retreat can provide the necessary structure and tools to change contemptuous patterns. Healing is possible when both partners are willing to work on it. - When should couples seek therapy for contempt in marriage?
Couples should consider therapy when contempt becomes a regular part of their communication. If discussions frequently include sarcasm, belittling, or disrespect—even in subtle forms—it’s a clear sign that outside help is needed. Contempt does not resolve itself; it often worsens if not addressed. A therapist can assist partners in identifying contempt, understanding its triggers, and developing healthier communication methods. Seeking help early can prevent more emotional damage and strengthen the relationship. Even couples who have struggled for years can find healing when they tackle the issue openly and with professional guidance.
The Four Horsemen are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. These behaviors seem minor on their own, like a sarcastic remark, a dismissive gesture, or a defensive reply. However, when combined, they form a harmful communication pattern that often leads to relationship breakdown.
It involves attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing their behavior.
It means deflecting responsibility or ignoring feedback.
It occurs when one partner emotionally shuts down to avoid conflict.
It is the most harmful; it shows disrespect and a sense of superiority. Gottman’s research indicates that contempt is the most significant predictor of divorce. It’s not just what is said, but also the attitude behind the words that makes contempt so harmful.
What Contempt Really Means in a Marriage
What is contempt in marriage? It goes beyond just anger. It involves expressing disgust or a sense of superiority toward your partner. It’s a way of implying, “I’m better than you,” even if those words are never spoken. Contempt can be shown through words or actions. It might appear as sarcastic comments, mocking, mimicking, eye-rolling, or belittling your partner’s intelligence or character. Unlike criticism, which targets something your partner did, contempt focuses on who they are. This makes it especially hurtful and destabilizing.
Couples often underestimate how powerful contempt can be. It can start subtly with a sarcastic tone here or a snide comment there. But over time, it creates emotional distance and erodes trust. When contempt becomes a habit, partners no longer feel safe with each other. They stop sharing personal thoughts. They stop believing they are on the same side.
Examples of Contempt in Marriage
Contempt can appear in many ways, and recognizing it is the first step to change. Sometimes it’s clear, like saying, “You’re pathetic,” during an argument. Other times, it’s more subtle—a sneer, an eye roll, or a mocking laugh.
One typical example is using sarcasm to put down your partner. A wife might say, “Oh, right, because you’re such a genius,” while rolling her eyes to dismiss her husband’s opinion. Another example could be correcting your partner in front of others, not to help but to embarrass. Contempt can also show as moral superiority, like saying, “I’d never be as selfish as you,” when angry.
Even nonverbal cues can carry contempt. An exaggerated sigh, a look of disgust, or ignoring your partner when they speak can hurt just as much as words. These moments, repeated over time, create a toxic emotional environment that drives couples further apart.
Why Contempt Is So Dangerous
Gottman refers to contempt in marriage as “the sulfuric acid of love” because it breaks down the bond that holds couples together. It’s more than hurt feelings; it’s a direct attack on the relationship itself. When one partner looks down on the other, emotional safety is lost. Without that safety, vulnerability vanishes, and conversations turn into fights instead of chances for connection.
Contempt increases conflict instead of resolving it. It fuels resentment and makes both partners feel unheard and unloved. According to Gottman’s research, contempt raises stress hormones, negatively affecting mental and physical health. Over time, couples stop feeling like partners and start feeling like rivals. This isn’t just poor communication; it’s the decline of the relationship.
How Contempt Develops Over Time
Contempt rarely starts at the beginning of a relationship. It builds over time. It often begins with unresolved conflicts, minor issues that get pushed aside or downplayed. Instead of communicating openly, couples start to criticize each other. This criticism leads to defensiveness, which then leads to stonewalling. As hurt and frustration grow, one partner starts to feel morally or intellectually superior to the other. That’s when contempt takes hold. What makes contempt dangerous is that it feeds on itself. Once someone feels contemptuous, they view everything their partner does negatively. The relationship becomes a constant struggle for emotional control instead of a space for mutual care.
Recognizing Contempt in Your Marriage
Many couples don’t realize contempt has crept into their marriage until it causes damage. If you notice sarcasm in your arguments, frequent eye-rolling, or moments where one partner talks down to the other, that’s a sign that contempt may be present. Emotional distance after fights, feeling belittled during conversations, or sensing a power imbalance are also warning signs. These signs don’t mean your marriage is doomed. They indicate it’s time to take action. Contempt is powerful, but it can also be reversed with intention and effort.
How to Stop Contempt in Marriage
The good news is that contempt can be undone. Gottman’s research shows that couples who work actively to change their communication patterns can regain closeness and trust.
One crucial step is to name the behavior. Many people don’t realize they’re being contemptuous. By recognizing when sarcasm, eye-rolling, or mockery occurs, you can start to change it.
Replacing contempt with appreciation is another effective strategy. Instead of focusing on what your partner did wrong, begin noticing what they do right. Appreciation softens communication and rebuilds respect. Using what Gottman calls “soft starts” can also help—begin a conversation calmly instead of diving into blame or sarcasm.
Emotional safety is crucial. If contempt has become a habit, professional help may be needed. A couple’s retreat or a Gottman-trained therapist can guide you through this process in a structured and supportive way.
Healthy Communication Habits That Protect Against Contempt
Healthy relationships aren’t free of conflict, but they handle conflict differently. Couples who thrive use communication habits that build safety instead of eroding it. They speak from their own experiences instead of making moral judgments about their partner. They listen without mocking. They express appreciation regularly, not just when things are good. When conflict arises, they focus on the issue, not the person. They address problems early to prevent resentment from growing. Over time, these habits create a positive emotional environment where contempt struggles to survive.
When to Seek Professional Help
If contempt has become a regular part of your communication, you might need help to fix it. This doesn’t mean the relationship is beyond repair. It means it requires focused effort. Therapy or couples retreats offer a safe and organized space to tackle contempt. They assist couples in recognizing patterns, rebuilding trust, and learning healthy communication again. With support from trained professionals, many couples can recover from deep emotional wounds.
Rebuilding After Contempt: How Couples Retreat Can Help
When contempt has taken root in a marriage, it can feel like the connection you once had is slipping further away with each argument, sigh, or sarcastic remark. But this is also the moment where meaningful change can happen — if you create the right space for it. That’s where a couples retreat can offer real, structured support. At Couples Retreat led by Andrew Sofin, MA, RP, TCF, RMFT, couples are guided through proven communication strategies designed to dismantle toxic patterns like contempt and rebuild trust at its core. This immersive experience goes beyond surface-level conversations. Instead, it gives couples the tools to:
Unlike weekly sessions, a retreat offers couples focused time away from daily pressures, allowing them to work deeply on their relationship. It’s a chance to reset, heal, and learn how to build a marriage where contempt has no place to grow. Choosing to attend a couples retreat isn’t a sign of failure. It’s a powerful commitment to healing and protecting your relationship — and to rediscovering the partnership that brought you together in the first place.
Final Thoughts
Contempt in marriage is not merely a bad habit. It is a damaging force that, if ignored, can ruin love, trust, and emotional safety. However, contempt does not have to end the relationship. With awareness, changes in communication, and professional support, couples can restore connection and respect. Gottman’s Four Horsemen are strong indicators of relationship breakdown, but they also serve as guides for change. Recognizing contempt, naming it, and taking action are the first steps toward healing.
