Without trust, relationships can’t last. But what if you’re smart with money and your partner isn’t? Is it ever acceptable to manage your cash behind their back if you’re doing “good” things?
Ed Coambs, a financial therapist in Matthews, N.C., and author of The Healthy Love & Money Way , says not only does that often constitute financial infidelity, but he would push back against moralizing money habits.
“This is not really about being good or bad,” says Coambs. “It’s about the breakdown of being able to connect around what to do financially. Financial infidelity is a symptom of underlying relational processes that do not work.”
He adds focusing on the acts of infidelity rather than what’s at the root of them can cost couples not just their financial security, but also their future. In some cases, attending an infidelity retreat that includes financial therapy can be a turning point for rebuilding that trust.
Financial infidelity isn’t always what you expect it to be
Everyone enters a relationship with implicit and explicit expectations around how they and their partner will manage finances. Coambs says financial infidelity is any breach of those expectations.
That can be spending more money shopping than you’ve mutually agreed to, lying about money when making purchases, buying a house without the other’s knowledge, or a spouse hiding money in secret accounts.
“The piece that makes it infidelity is not disclosing or talking about it and hiding it from your partner,” says Coambs.
Of the couples he works with, Coambs says 70 to 80 per cent are dealing with financial infidelity, whether that’s why they came to him in the first place or it simply comes out in therapy.
It’s the same for Andrew Sofin, a psychotherapist specializing in couples and families in Montreal.
Sofin adds that while most people think of sex when they hear the word infidelity, in his practice, he’s found many are dealing with this issue without knowing what to call it. For many, an infidelity retreat can provide the safe, structured environment needed to address these hidden issues.
In a survey on love and money from TD Bank last year, only eight per cent of respondents copped to keeping financial secrets from their partner. But 29 per cent admitted to spouse hiding money in separate bank accounts, while 22 per cent carry significant secret credit card debt.
With Sofin’s clients, financial infidelity often shows up in relationships where there’s a power imbalance. The person earning the lion’s share usually feels it’s ”their” money to spend however they see fit.
But whether they’re buying sports cars or lottery tickets, making those financial decisions without consulting their spouse widens that power gap.
“The person who’s not making the money feels totally dependent on the other person and it has a major impact on their sense of self,” says Sofin.
Couples must get on the same page
What makes financial betrayals so painful is that money is not only a deeply emotional topic, but it’s also tangible and crucial to our survival.
Another therapist once told Coambs about how her mother reacted when she found out her husband had gambled away their retirement fund: “She said, ‘I wish he had cheated on me; that would have been easier to recover from.’”
“I wouldn’t take that statement literally,” says Coambs. “But … money holds representational value. It functionally means whether I have housing, whether I can access health care in the future, if I can buy food … And so when we get interrupted in that pathway, that’s a profound loss.”
He also notes that financial infidelity looks different for everyone. In fact, We accept a certain amount of financial dishonesty in relationships. Surprise gifts for birthdays, anniversaries, or splurging on a new love are both common societal and cultural expectations.
However, Sofin counters that bringing home surprise flowers isn’t such a romantic gesture if you’re already scrimping to pay your mortgage this month.
And so, the only way to ensure that all your financial transactions are above-board is to communicate openly with your partner about money.
“If you want to have a successful relationship, you have to talk about things that sometimes are difficult,” says Sofin.
When discussing these issues, people often fall into the trap of assuming their way is right and everyone else’s is wrong.
But Coambs says looking at it this way means couples lose out on a chance to grow both their relationship and their wealth.
“We’re not making any person wrong or bad here. Both people are right, based on their whole life’s experience … And sometimes it’s just a matter of reframing and saying, ‘This is an opportunity for us to grow and learn about each other at a deeper level.’”
For couples who want to turn these crises into opportunities, an infidelity retreat focused on financial healing may offer that essential first step toward recovery.
This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind
Financial Infidelity Statistics: How Common Is It?
Financial infidelity is far more common than many couples realize. While it often remains hidden until trust is already damaged, research consistently shows that secrecy around money is widespread and deeply disruptive to relationships.
Recent national surveys reveal that approximately 42 to 43 percent of adults in committed relationships admit to some form of financial infidelity. This includes hiding purchases, concealing debt, maintaining secret accounts, or lying about spending. Around 40 percent of couples say they are currently keeping or have previously kept a financial secret from their partner.
Nearly 45 percent of Americans report that financial infidelity feels just as damaging as physical infidelity. In fact, financial disagreements are consistently cited as one of the strongest predictors of divorce, surpassing conflict around parenting, intimacy, or household responsibilities. Generational data shows notable differences. Gen Z adults report the highest rates of financial deception at approximately 67 percent, followed by Millennials at 57 percent. Rates drop among Gen X to roughly 34 percent and among Baby Boomers to 33 percent. Men report slightly higher rates of financial deception at about 47 percent, compared to 39 percent for women.
Across studies, roughly three-quarters of couples say financial deceit has negatively affected their relationship. These numbers help explain why financial infidelity so often feels shocking and isolating, even though it is a shared experience for many couples.
by Sigrid Forberg
